The students, athleteses, faculty, and alumni of Lavender Valley High School heaved a collective gasp last night when The Poodleer, Your Student Body Newspaper, discovered exclusively that the immensely popular LVHS CHeerleaders were denied access on Saturday night to one of the most popular student gathering places in Our Town.

The Cheerleaders were part of a large group of student ambassadors who traveled over hill, valley, and freeway to bring word to the masses about our Classless Reunion and its climax party, the Queen City Cruise. The girls were welcomed with open arms and loud cheers whereever they went -- even when the girls kept trying to open zippers, buttons, and other enclosures of unsuspecting guests.

Everyone who saw the girls was delighted at the triumphant encore of the three -- even though they brought along with them FiFi Trixibelle Lame', a cheerleader from the hated "Fighting Pit Bulls" of East Lavender Valley Lo-High.

A group of student ambassadors traveled on a bus to spread word of the Classless Reunion and Queen City Cruise

Everyone welcomed them -- that is -- until they ran into the stern doorman at the popular three-floor soda fountain and ice-cream shop, P-Spot. The P-Spot doorman let in every member of the traveling troup -- even the Vice Sisters -- but held up his hand, with long, thick, fingers as The Cheerleaders approached. "You girls aren't getting in tonight," he said. The Cheerleaders laughed at what they thought was a joke and attempted to push their way -- single-file of course, since no two of them would fit through any entry at the same time -- toward the door.

"I'm serious," said the doorman, "You're not getting in there." The hunky doorman blocked the entry-way with his muscley bod and wouldn't move even when the Cheerleaders shouted in unison, "Look at this guy... He's dreeeee --meeee!"

Desite unfair and untrue claims to the contrary that attempt to besmirch the sterling reputation of The Poodleer, Your Student Body Newspaper, The Poodleer did, indeed, contact The Cheerleaders immediately after the incident, but most of them were still too, umm... let's call it "traumatized" rather than suggesting some other form of incapacity -- to speak about their exclusion. Milly did tell us, "I'm not gonna cry about it, but they're bitches."

The LVHS Cheerleaders let "Tina" from the "ELav" cheer squad join them. Was that the problem?

LVHS Security accompanied the tour and attempted to ascertain the problem. In an exclusive interview with The Poodleer, security guard Jac "Bullet" Cuzi later explained to us that management of P-Spot didn't want the cheerleaders to enter because the club hadn't received its weekend shipment of ice-cream. Management worried that the Cheerleaders would eat them out of their remaining stock, according to Officer Cuzi.

"These are big girls, after all," said Officer Cuzi, attempting to put a pretty -- if somewhat bloated -- face on the ruckus, "and they have been known to eat massive quantities of ice cream in one sitting."

Sharon and Dee Vice stood by demurely while controversy swirled around them

But other reports about the incident painted a bleaker picture. A man wearing black LVHS janitorial coveralls who requested anonymity ("to buffer my reputation," he said) told us that he had heard that the Vice Sisters were behind the exclusion. According to the source, the Vice Sisters pushed their way to the front of the line at P-Spot. Sharon Vice was seen whispering to the doorman, our exclusive source told us. "She even stroked his thigh just before she entered the soda shop.

"They'd been upstaged all night during the bus tour," our Source told us, "and it looks like they weren't going to take it anymore."

The Vice Sisters were too busy playing with seamen to engage in any kind of conspiracy

Our anonymous source pointed out that the sisters had only recently recovered from the trauma of the Pride parades when most cameras focused on Butch, the big pink poodle instead of paying attention to the Vice Sisters.

"First, it was a big dog, and tonight it was a bunch of big cheerleaders," explained Our Source. "It was just too much for the girls."

The LVHS Cheerleaders pose with a "glamor shot" from their glory days that hangs on the wall of their "home club", Alterations

As usual, niether Sharon nor Dee Vice returned numerous phone calls and emails from The Poodleer, but their step-cousin, Anal D. Vice from Baltimore who accompanied her relatives on the tour, told a different story in an Exclusive Interview with The Poodleer.

"We didn't have a thing to do with it," insisted sweet Anal. "It's all the fault of that... that... ska... girl, Millie." Anal clearly struggled to avoid letting slip the adjectives that she apparently wanted to apply to the biggest of the cheeleaders. "My dear mother in Baa-al-ti-mur taught me that I shouldn't say nothin' if I can't say somethin' nice," she explained.

Anal D. Vice from Baltimore. Insists her relatives did not bribe P Spot to exclude The Cheerleaders

"What I heard," Anal told The Poodleer, "is that Millie somehow got together with the doorman last night. Surely, it must have been under some sort of false pretenses," Anal said, letting out a deep sigh and shaking her stacked blonde head, "because -- really -- what would he be doing with her?"

At that point in interview, Anal seemed to drift off into some sort of reverie, perhaps thinking of the door man. "Umm... Miss Vice, Miss Vice," we said, snapping our fingers until she snapped out of it.

"Oh, yeah," Anal continued, "Well... the way I heard it all is that Milley got him to give her his class ring last night, only to leave a few minutes later. She told him that she had a 'hot date' with a 'ping-pong player' at Club-See. Can you imagine?" Anal asked, clearly shocked at such insensitivity.

"Who could blame that gorgeous doorman for refusing to let Millee and her co-horts into the soda fountain?"

Adding credibility to Anal Vice's story, The Poodleer has learned that members of the official LVHS ping-pong team sponsored by P-Spot were in the club Saturday night, celebrating their stunning quarter-final victory over hated rivals, "Dobson's Choice" from Burien Bible Tech.

Which is the real threat? The girls's little backpacks or Selma's low-rise 'skanky-pants', as she calls them?

But a vastly different theory was put forward by Han Shaunity, wearing his usual "Scared Kids for Rudy" t-shirt. Shaunity admitted that he wasn't at the club because he refuses to enter such a public place as P-Spot because he believes all areas open to the public are all "targets", but he insisted in a video interview conducted by IM that he knows what really happened.

Servicemen from OHS (Office of Homoland Security) were there to 'protect' bus riders. Where was Han Shaunity?

"It's really quite simple," insisted Shaunity. "These girls were security threats! It's obvious. They wouldn't let the doorman look into their backpacks. What were they trying to hide? We can all be thankful that young men like that security guard are willing to provide service to their Valley instead of partying like the irresponsible masses."

Shaunity was, as usual, "hunkered down" in his "bunker" during the interview and refused to come out, but said that he really does know more about this kind of danger than anyone else because he was once a crossing-guard when a firecracker went off near the school's intersection.  "I protected kids then, and I'm the only one doing it now," said Shaunity.

"It's a disgrace that the Cheerleaders are still talking about 'School Spirit' in this post-firecracker world," Hannity said before looking behind him with a frightened scowl as alarms rang out through the speakers.

Note: At press time, The Poodleer received a flurry of letters from Cheerleaders spokesmodels and their partisans disputing some aspects of this story that had been leaked. To show how fair and balanced we are, we've printed a selection of the crazy missives below:

Selma lays blame

I sincerely question the journalistic investigation and integrity of this particular "so-called" Poodleer piece.  Dewey Boulavard did not contact a single (and believe me, we're all single) LVHS Cheerleader for this article.  In fact, I am convinced that this is YET ANOTHER attempt by the Vice Sisters to usurp our popularity and try to claw their way back to the popular table in the lunch room.  I don't believe that Dewey would EVER tarnish the Poodleer with such poor journalistic reporting.

Here are some reason that I believe this to be true:
1.  Since when has a VICE Sister EVER been a credible "source" for journalistic excellence?  And, from what I can glean from this story - they once again have tried to avoid 'suspicion' by throwing an "IMPORTED" Vice Sister into the story to do their dirty work.  Does any one else find it convenient, that, yet again, they have a "scapegoat" should they ever be discovered to be the culprits behind this article (as well as the "incident" at the Soda shop.)

2.  Did any one else notice that the article 'quotes' from this particular "Vice Sister" were compete sentences and seemed somewhat coherent?  Please, someone tell me when you've seen a Vice Sister in complete control of her facilities - let alone with the ability to actually speak in clear and complete sentences?

3.  The article clearly tries to smudge the reputation of the LVHS Cheerleader Milly Mae.  Now, I know, Editor  Dewey Boulavard, would have done a lot more fact checking before something of this nature was printed.  Did you see the difference?  Yes, the lead character in this article is one of the most glamorous and one of the most popular girls in our school, yet her name was misspelled over and over again in the article. (???)   Millie?... Please, EVERY boy in school knows how to spell Milly.  (She's signed so many yearbooks that she had to go home early from cheer camp due to a vicious hand cramp.) ... Guess who's yearbook she never actually signed?  Could it be - the Vice Sisters?
Hmmm....

4.  Which brings me to the most telling portion of this conspiracy theory... Milly Mae could NOT have been involved with this Door Man or Ping Pong player.  Milly is a good Christian girl and has taken a Virginity Vow and is saving herself for marriage.  (The exact opposite is true for Selma, which is clearly why she continues to be voted by the student body as captain of the squad.)  I have it on good authority that during the time that "Anal Vice" said that Milly was 'with the doorman' - she was actually spending time with the LVHS Christian Fellowship Group (Poodles for Christ Sake) who were feeding the homeless on the night in question.  This account can be substantiated by the fact that the next morning - there were still hungry homeless people.  (Hey helping the poor can be a tiring job - and a girl has to keep up her
strength, you know.)

5.  In a poll taken by the sophomore student body - the LVHS Cheerleaders are 4 times more popular than the Vice Sisters.  EVIDENCE: What other group of girls could actually win first place in a 'big hair contest' and actually be "booed" off the stage?)  -- And did anyone else notice that the trophy they were carrying was the LVHS district bowling trophy from 1977 that they tried to disguise by putting a Troll dolls hair piece on?

In that same poll The Soda Shop was voted one of the most popular places for LVHS students... Tell me, why (or WHO) could believe that the most popular girls in school would not be allowed in - IF there were not some sort of wicked back handedness happening?? 

In conclusion, I implore the editors and distributors of the Poodleer to dig deeper into this story...EXPOSE the Vice Sisters for the spotlight yearning, bra stuffing girls they are.  (Oh, that's right boys, Bessy and I had third period gym with Dee Vice - don't let her fool you, she didn't "develop" early... Unless of course, her Mother's maiden name was "Nurf")

LVHS, we know that as YOUR Cheerleaders, you too, will join our quest to find the TRUE culprits behind these vic(e)cious lies that are swirling to tarnish our reputation.

Yours in Cheer,
Selma Sue Sweet Sarsaparilla Sunshine Pernstiener.

ID problem

People people people! All this rumour mongering and rhetoric must stop!

Out of concern for the good name and spotless image of Lavender Valley High and its students, our beloved Principal has put it forth to all Faculty and Staff to investigate the atrocious accusations put forth by the Poodleer, Adelle Vice, and the Cheerleaders.

After stopping by the P-Spot for a little reconnaissance I was terrified to discover the sorts of activities going on there!! Boys and Boys, and Girls and Boys, and Girls and Girls... making out, and holding hands, touching, and dancing in a lascivious manner! I was appalled!! I assure you all, the Principal and Superintendant will be hearing about this!

Bearing down on my resolve to get to the bottom of this security guard issue, I tracked down one of the guards on duty that night. At first he was rather uncooperative, but after pointing out that I would not sign his physical release for sports in the coming fall semester unless he gave me the information I wanted, he was more than forthcoming!

According to Biff Young, Junior Security Guard and co-captain of the LVHS Coed Badminton team, the problem was very simple. As everyone is aware, in order to attend ANY school event, all students MUST have their student identification on their person. The cheerleaders, though easy... to recognize as they may be, did not have their student identifications with them. It's that simple.

Obviously, all the rumors spread by Selma both about the event, their own culpability, and the complicity of the Vice sisters is all a campaign to smear the good name of OBVIOUSLY well behaved young ladies, and exhalt their own reputations.

I'll be keeping a close eye on you,  Cheerleaders.  Don't think I haven't seen you all smoking poles... er, cigarettes out behind the Gymnasium!

Kip Steele, R.N. (School Nurse)

School Spirit!

It's so sad when school spirit takes a negative spin and ends up going down the drain like Draino in a clogged pipe. Before we loose all sigjt of what may or may not have happened I'd like to remind everyone that we go to the same school. Let's not forget the words of that most fabulous song by the Beach Boys:

As a Cheerleaders and someone that loves LVHS (and the homeless) with all their heart I can assure you that any actions taken by the Cheerleaders were only to increase School Spirit and to promote LVHS. This can be witnessed by the fact that a cheerleader who used to go to East Lavender Vally High School (Home of the Pit Bulls or Boxers or Bull Dogs - whatever it was) has left their defunct Cheer Squad and come to the Bright Pink (not salmon) and Purple colors of LVHS.

We need to remember our Poodle Pride in these most trying times.

Lots also remember that it takes all kinds of people to make a school unique, this would include:

1. Cheerleaders (of course)
2. Jocks - GO BIFF
3. Nerds
4. Debate Geeks
5. Book worms
6. And last of all Riff Raff (smokers and all sorts of evil doers)

Now we all know which class the Vice Sisters fall into. But even as the lowest of classes at our school they are still members of the school and as such should be understood (okay I can't go as far as to say respected). In the past I have made several suggestions to:

1. The Student Body Council
2. The Principal and Vice Principals
3. The School Board
4. The Parents and Teachers Association

and the list goes on and on about how our school could be even better. I think all it would take is some additional rules and policies about behaviour. If we took the Cheerleader Code of Conduct and implemented them throughout LVHS, some of the code includes:

1. Always act in a manner that promotes school spirit (sometimes Selma gets a little carried away with this one).
2. No SMOKING (totally icky - YUCK)
3. Dress codes that are modern yet not suggestive (absolutely no showing of cleavage).

See just three little rules and I propose that we would have a committee that could help with their implementation. Obviously since the Cheerleaders have been implementing this code for over past several year we would be the obvious choices to head this committee and since I'm the oldest (just by a few months of course) of the cheerleaders I nominate myself to be the Chairperson.

This the implementation of the Cheerleaders Code of Conducts LVHS would be a school that we could all be proud and together we coudl sing, "BE TRUE TO OUR SCHOOL."

(Name withheld on request)

ELVHS Cheerleader to switch?

While the NCAA most definitely would not approve, I sincerely appreciated the recruiting efforts of Saturday evening and am close to making my decision regarding the rumoured district transfer.I must admit that I was a bit apalled by the things witnessed back in the very last seat of the bus. I was behind one of the Vice Sisters and next to the other one and that frightful cousin of theirs. If I wasn`t such a good Christian cheerleader, I might repeat some of the unholy acts and conversations I was privvy to! Lucky for them, I will do no suich thing. On a side note, I must tell Dee that they do indeed have a cream that will clear that right up.

Now, in regard to this vicious rumour that the cheerleading squad was without their necessary Student Body ID cards, I say pish-posh! All of our ID cards were safely tucked away in our official "I heart Cheer" backpacks that we earned at this year's Renton Rally Cheer Camp. I can assure the entire student body that Bessy whips that ID card out at the drop of a hat so that hunky security guards might take note of her home address and show up for an unannounced security pat down. I of course like to pull mine out every chance I get to prove my true weight of 153 lbs. I hope this puts to rest any of those pesky rumours that are flying about today. If I can put aside my well deserved sense of superiority over LVHS that we at ELVHS have, then surely each student at LVHS can put aside this spirit of divisiveness that has erupted over the Vice Sisters jealousy of the Cheerleaders!

Once again, a huge thank you for the open arms I experienced during Saturday's recruiting event.

Sincerely,
Tina Lame'
Go, Pit Bulls! (for now at least!)