Lights magazine published this chronology as a sidebar to their July 22 cover story on Tacky Tourist Clubs early years.
A 6900 series Whang computer that had run amok printed out a form letter inviting friends and associates of a group of Seattle people to a "holier-than-thou, bigger-than-a-breadbox experience. The computer, named Bruce, sent out its letter under the name Tacky Tourist Clubs of America. Intrepid tourists were invited to "venture into the wilds of a suburban jungle, crossing the treacherous waters of Lake Washingbton, until we reach that monument to, in, and of bad taste.
Tourists invited on the exodus were given two choices after they had arrived in "the Colonial Province of British Columbia." One could, having reached the towne centre, turn right and "claim the city in the name of King Ronnie (or Queen Nancy if you are so inclined)" or one could turn left and go into exile. "Move underground. Pretend you are happy and gay, but with refined tastes."
The posters showed two sailors in dress whites looking toward the Seattle skyline from a state ferry while they fondled each other's butts. A tourist, sporting a plastic bag filled with an inflatable Space Needle and plastic Boeing jet, looked on in shock as her husband snapped a picture.
And so the mood was set. The Goodtime II tour boat was packed with a wide variety of tourist costumes as it departed from its downtown pier. The event, held as a benefit, netted about $900 for SEAMEC.
Mr. Science appeared as the moderator of this highly informative tour of the "latest wonder of Washington State's tourist industry." He told those aboard the tour bus that "science is fun." A Washington Public Power Supply System tour guide took over at the Satsop complex. He said about the same thing as Mr. Science, but wasn't as funny. As befits anything involved with WPPSS, the benefit tour of the construction site lost money.
There are many stories about the final hours of the second Queen City Cruise. None of them can be verified. The tourists seemed to agree, however, that they had never had such a good time on the high seas. The Goodtime II had to turn back before reaching its Madison Beach rendevous, so for the second time, Lake Washington remained elusive. Proceeds from the second Cruise -- about $2700 -- benefited SEAMEC, Seattle Counseling Service, and The Dorian Group.
The Spacarium at the Pacific Science Center became the site of monks, ballerinas, cave men, and goblins as the Tourists joined with the Court of Seattle to present a huge Halloween extravaganza. Hundreds of men and women discoed under the dome and played with the science exhibits out front. The event was a very successful pre-election fundraiser for SEAMEC and the Court.
A cruise in January? The incredible luck of the Tourists showed its stuff as voyagers boarded the Greyliner tour boat on one of the warmest and sunniest days of the month. Mr. Science and Miss Ann Thropy ably explained the wonder of technology and the need to despoil America's wilderness. KOMO did a live remote from the boat for its early evening newscast. Proceeds of the event benefited the Friends of the Earth and Washington Toxics Coalition.
The Axelrock bar was decoratedd with Cupids whose hair was the only thing seen that can compete with the frazzle of Ethel Merman's coiffure. The event did not succeed as a fundraiser but it did serve as educational purpose as a place where people had a lot of fun and picked up copies of Gay Clinic flyers.
Kitty Litter won the title of Prom Queen, much to the relief of Sister Mary Discipline who showed distaste for the poor manners of the other contestants. The Prom, a benefit for Chemical Dependency Program, with a smaller percentage of the proceeds split among New Beginnings Shelter for Battered Women, the 1983 Freedom Day Committee, and Tacky Tourist Clubs, was the greatest financial success so far for Tacky Tourists. Bonnie Petite made her debut at the event as class valedictorian. The Crinolines performed square dances.
Tourists boarded an Amtrak train car which -- as the conductor assured other passengers -- had been "isolated" from the rest of the train. Once in Portland, a group of Tacoma sleuths were quick to solve the mystery of the Disoriented Express and recover the Rose Queen's stolen roses. The excursion netted some funds for National Gay Task Force through the sale of bar coupon books.
The dance, co-sponsored by The Ritas, was held the night before the 1983 Lesbian/Gay Pride Parade March etc. as a way to raise money for this year's and next year's parade/march. It didn't raise money. It became the largest fund loser for the Tourists. The party did, at least, provide a colorful band of balloons for the next day's parade/march.
